Christmas Gifts for People you Hate

Or For the Stupid Person Who Has Everything

Christmas, as we all know, is a time for mindless, panicked spending on the ones you love the most/owe money to. Whilst perusing my catalogs, I noticed some eager marketers looking to cash in on your misfortune. Find my recommendations for the dummies you love most, below.

First, we have one of Bed Bath & Beyond's SMART GIFTS, a Warmzone Throw, which believe me, is not just any blanket.

No, it is just any blanket

Let's see what other SMART GIFTS BB&B has for us

Personally, I love the idea that anytime a person walks by this thing, candy flies out with no discretion. Sharper Image doesn't care what time it is or if you are in the mood or even if you've had enough already. Sharper Image knows that its always time for candy. If you have fat kids and pets, they are gonna ENJOY this gift! Now that is SMART. I think you should get one.


Speaking of gifts that make you fat, why don't you shoot someone right in the face with a dessert bullet?

It takes 10 seconds to make a dessert though. Dealbreaker?

When you're done stuffing your face with ballistic sweets, why not stuff your ham hocks into these butter filled socks?

(Or butter your own socks for a fun, frugal night in!)

Moving on, let's listen in on a top secret marketing meeting at Bed Bath & Beyond
Guy 1: Hey, you know what chicks love?
Guy 2: Shoes. And, purses! Chicks can't get enough of 'em.
Guy 1: Yeah, but also they also love gettin' drunk
Guy 2: Like I don't know, my wife needs two bottles of Zin before she'll let me get undressed in front of her. Now tell me where you're going with this.
Guy 1: Boom.

Honey, have you seen my wine purse?

Another thing BB&B likes to hawk is nostalgia gifts. A record player or a jukebox for example. Some people look fondly back on the days before mp3 players were in your phone, and you had to strap your ipod to your arm when you ran. You know what I'm nostalgic for? This thing which never existed:

Ding! Weiners are up!

Sidenote: I did some research to find out if a hot dog toaster ever existed in the past, and it didn't, but the product was invented in the 1990s and has been serving only the saddest of bachelors ever since. Impressive! Also there are many YouTube videos showcasing this product! 

You know what's really hot this year? Tech gifts.

Let's just ignore the fact that the iPhone has a front facing camera, which these neanderthals are currently using with their remote and stand. If you don't have even a single friend or family member, and you also want a shot that includes some of your upper torso, I guess its not a terrible idea. Except that there are about a dozen free camera timer apps in the iTunes store, so yes, it is truly a gift for stupid people. Now that we're done with that lunacy--

No! Why?

Ok, well, it's the same price as the other one, no remote (but it does have a nice, long stick). It looks to me that it doesn't get the camera further away from you, it gets it higher above you, so you'll be left with extreme myspace angle photos and videos. Which means what this device is actually used for must be something more sinister. Could you lift it up into somebody's window to sneak a peek? You could, and would. Verdict: Great gift for the pervert in your life.

Let's see what else is in this catalog.

IT'S STILL JUST A BLANKET

ACTUALLY A REAL VACUUM! HAHA, DUMB KID

I received another weird catalog called The Swiss Colony which I have never seen or ordered from before. Its full of amazing stuff for the people in your life who--

1. Have too much time on their hands and are so, so lonely

But you can never have too much STYLE on your hands

2. Like elephants so much that 7 would be an appropriate number

This is when I threw the magazine down with disgust. Nah, just kidding.

3. Love cured and sliced meats

On second thought, I WILL have a toasted hot dog, thank you.

4. Even better, exotic meats

You know Dasher, and Dancer, and Prancer, and--what's that? Oh, we're out of Prancer.

It's also available as a Meat Stick Bonanza.

5. Meat Stick Bonanza

Meat Stick Bonanza

Enough of the meat sticks! Maybe LLBean has something classy for you. The undisputed King of fleece and boots probably has some boring, but nice things like a snowman turtleneck and--Oh.

FATWOOD. (Refillable)

Are you a wife suffering in a sexless marriage? Has it been 7 or more years since you've known a man's touch? Why not reKINDLE the flame with our new FATWOOD crate. It's practically guaranteed to...start a fire.


Are you a husband suffering the frigid glare of your prune faced wife? Does the thought of touching her drive you out into the garage to check on your boat in the middle of winter? Why not show her that you do still have feelings for her this Christmas with Harry and David's dried up old fruit vagina platter.

Shriveled and dry, but still sweet. And ok, a little salty too.

Wait, don't go! You still didn't tell me what to get my lazy, fucking kid!

Here.

Don't come back until it's dark out.